April 1st, 2005
The Inevitable
After 173 years in publication, due to budgetary constraints Farm Accident Digest must cease production for now. We are yet another victim of stronger government safety requirements. It has been our privilege and pleasure to have served you all of these years, but farm accidents are becoming a thing of the past. Which means we have become a thing of the past. So we bid you farewell, and may no accidents mar your fine farms.UPDATE: This is not an April Fool's joke. I hate that unfunny shit. I decided I was tired of FAD, so FAD is done. I'm not, though. Sometime soonish I'll start the new site at some new location which will likely be the same thing with just a couple differences. One thing is that Eager Jimmy has now been completely spun off to http://www.eagerjimmy.com (may take a day or so to work and will be redesigned to match its new location). I hope to be doing reviews at least once a month going on. Trying to decide between The Core or Two Towers right now.
Anyway, the email will continue to work in the meantime if anything pressing comes up.
Posted by fad at 5:51am
March 31st, 2005
For I Stand For Truth
In the spirit of our times, I have decided to delink everyone on my link list cuz all y'all's farts stink. Or something. Plus, I never use the damn thing, never update the damn thing, and damn thing damn thing.So take that, internet!
(Plus I'm trying to decide between redesign or drop this site and maybe start a new one. Messing this up might finally force me to act one way or t'other.)
Posted by fad at 5:55pm
Huh?
Wuzzat?
Posted by fad at 3:00pm
Sunchasing
Lady, I know how you feel, though in the opposite direction.Minnie Stein had just one complaint on her 106th birthday. She was sure she was only 105. "She always thought that she was a year younger," Stein's daughter, Joan Gillespie, said on her mother's birthday Tuesday.As some of you may remember, I was never really 26 years old. For some reason soon after I turned 26, I became convinced I was actually 27. So when asked my age, I always said 27. It wasn't until just a few months before my real 27th birthday, whilst filling out some online form, the math clicked that I was actually only 26. But since I was already so close to really being 27, I decided to stick with it and stay 27 for two years running.
But Gillespie said a birth certificate obtained from Harrisburg showed that her mother was born in 1899. "She was not happy about it at all!"
Posted by fad at 2:16pm
Personally I'd Prefer No Labeling Either Way
I don't give two shits about Tom DeLay, so that part of the story is not of much interest to me. What is interesting are these two things, one the headline, one the initial line."Liberals run ads demanding DeLay resign"
Two liberal groups are running TV ads demanding that Tom DeLay resign as House majority leader and urging fellow congressmen to mobilize against the Texas representative, who is under investigation for alleged ethics violations.Not three years ago both of those would have been, "Groups run ads" or "Citizens run ads" or, if they were feeling frisky, "Citizen's groups run ads". Just another step in this strange experiment to see if accurate and balanced labeling will indeed make the baby Jebus cry.
Posted by fad at 1:17pm
It'd Better Have Real Grass And No Dome
I'm going to be quite pissed when I find out federal funds are going to this.The Metropolitan Transportation Authority board voted unanimously in favor of the football team's $720 million offer for rights to develop the site over a remote railyard adjoining the Hudson River.I said "when", not "if" because considering who the senators are from New York, the proximity to 2008, the fact that this is a major issue for unions somehow I know significant enough federal funding will find its way there.
[...]
The Jets' proposal for the 75,000-seat, $1.7 billion stadium is backed by the city and state and is crucial to New York's attempt to host the 2012 Olympics.
Posted by fad at 12:01pm
See The Danger. Always Danger
Behold the almighty power of the blogs! Yet another media titan has fallen before them.Ted Koppel, who has anchored ABC News' "Nightline" since its inception a quarter-century ago, said Thursday he will leave the network when his contract expires at the end of the year.Ok, so as far as I know, no sites had anything to do with this, but some may take credit. Or maybe some pundit will give them the blame for creating an atmosphere that results in all these great journalists walking away in silence. I'm afraid to type in "koppelwatch.blogspot.com" or "nightlinewatch.blogspot.com" to find that there are indeed sites that have been trying to topple the Koppel. Though I'm less afraid of bad rhymes, it appears.
Posted by fad at 10:55am
Don't Need To Add To The Daily Reminders Of My Stupidity
This idea would be one of the surest ways to kill me.A scheme to promote the healing powers of poetry has found its way into thousands of GPs' surgeries.Just what I'd need. A reminder that I'm too stupid to understand a whit of poetry. There's a buck for the ole spirits.
[...]
In seven years his "retirement project" to promote poetry to the sick and ailing has become a "full-time hobby", with his quarterly poetry pamphlets reaching more than 3,000 GPs' waiting rooms.
"Poetry is the most potent medium of the written word - you can't express yourself better. It talks to the emotions, the heart as well as the mind."It also talks way over my idiot head since I'm too dense to ever suss out what the hell any of it is getting at.
The choice of poets favoured by Mr Lee - Spike Milligan, Dylan Thomas, Yeats, Wordsworth and Ted Hughes reflected the idea that patients would use verse to escape from their worries, she says.But for sub-morons like me, just leave out a copy of Highlights, please.
Posted by fad at 7:23am
Hopefully Prices Will Continue To Drop
Proof that the overfadderation for low-carb shit has passed.A surplus of diet food for the overweight has been a boon for the hungry in Appalachia.Though it might trickle up again during these months since it is reunion season. At least half the people I've known in person who went (seriously, not just the "Ah'm gonna have bacon wrapped deviled eggs and hot wings every meal!" type) did so preparing for a class reunion.
Unsold crates of low-carb energy bars, shakes and breakfast mixes have been pouring into the Christian Appalachian Project to be distributed in mountain communities. For people who might otherwise go hungry, diet food beats no food at all.
[...]
A recent study by the independent marketing company NPD Group found that the percentage of American adults on any low-carb diet in 2004 peaked at 9.1 percent in February and dropped to 4.9 percent by early November.
[...]
"The market has just cratered for those products," he said. "Typically when it shows up in food banks, it's got very little commercial value."
Posted by fad at 6:28am
Power Of Suggestion
After several sleepless nights in a row (Well, sleepless for me. I usually only get 4 to 5 hours a night on average.), I decided to play into the cliche and try Nyquil for the first time in decades. I took the dose and went to bed a few minutes later. An hour went by and I felt no more drowsy than usual and began fearing yet another long, frustrating night. Then I blinked and it was 5:30am.
Posted by fad at 6:12am
To Play It Safe I'll Stick To Random In-State Choices
I have to draw me up a list before my next visit home to Washington.A bill that would repeal a state law that criminalizes "slander of a woman" is headed to the governor.Though I don't think that will protect me from such slanders across state lines, it might help me fight extradition.
[...]
The 1902 statute prohibits "false or defamatory words or language which shall injure or impair" the virtuous and chaste reputation of any woman over the age of 12. The law does say it's OK to slander a "common prostitute."
UPDATE: Maybe they shouldn't repeal it. Obviously, it's not safe yet.
Posted by fad at 6:04am
March 30th, 2005
Wish I Had A Cool Name And $300,000
"Death is charged in theft from cemetery"Wonder if the wire writers had to take to The Arena to decide who got the privilege of writing this one up.
Posted by fad at 2:02pm
Talking Puppies Are Almost As Bad
Another sign the world is about to end or it just wants to really annoy me.The TV spot will be for Quiznos sandwiches. Perhaps you have seen the commercial with the talking baby boy.How I hate those commercials. They are creepy and wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong!
"That's our Baby Bob commercial that's been wildly successful for Quiznos and we're looking for another baby to share in the spotlight in a future commercial,"
Posted by fad at 1:14pm
The Tuesday Tueve
- Caaaan yoooouuuu diiiiiiiggg iiiiittt?
Most assuredly. Just look at me. I'm digging it like a meth addled archeologist. - Do you just like doing stuff like that?
Not always, but if we're talking about stuff like that, then I'm all over it. - Dude, isn't that DJ chick the lady who played the Chief on the Carmen Sandiego show?
That would appear to be so, nameless inquisitor. - Come out to plaaayyyy-eeee-aayyy.
That's more of a demand than a question, tinkles. - You guys are good.
The best.
Posted by fad at 12:15pm
Pre-Clubbed Seals
The Canadian version of Whacking Day launches today.Thousands of sealers armed with clubs, rifles and spears headed for the ice floes off eastern Canada on Tuesday for the world's largest seal hunt, one expected to bring poor coastal communities millions of dollars but condemned by animal rights activists as barbaric.Barbaric? No, my newspapery friend, barbarism is denying us our baby seal pitas.
Posted by fad at 11:57am
Looks Like An Animal Activist
In 1998 thousands of minks were released from farms in Wisconsin by ALF affiliated kids. If I remember correctly, many if not most were dead anyway within a couple days because they had no idea how to survive in the wild. After seven years on the run, one of the suspects has finally been arrested.An animal rights activist was arrested on a domestic terrorism charge after seven years on the run in connection with the release of thousands of minks from commercial farms."Dude...I just wanted some tasty tunes for the road, you know? No need to be so harsh."
[...]
According to a police report, [an] Officer [...] witnessed [him] attempting to steal music CDs from the cafe. [He] was arrested and found to be hiding a handcuff key taped to his belt, according to the report. A fingerprint search turned up the outstanding warrant.
He is being held in an isolation jail cell because he refused to take a tuberculosis test, authorities said. Some TB tests contain animal products.Which is probably for the best anyway because if he's like the other hardcore vegans I've known, he probably reeks enough to make Gaia hurl.
Posted by fad at 7:51am
Random Hate
British school lunches to be revolutionized.An extra £280m over three years is to be spent on improving school meals in England - as TV chef Jamie Oliver's campaign on the issue reaches a climax.I will donate 5 American dollars to this cause if it comes with the guarantee that Jamie Oliver never appear on American TeeVee again.
At least 50p will be spent on each primary school lunch and 60p in secondaries.
Posted by fad at 7:49am
Regressive
Lovers of liberty in Washington State, it is time to throw Spam, chili and other tinned meats into the Sound in protest!Along with tax increases on cigarettes and hard liquor, the recently released Senate budget proposal would slap a higher tax on canned meat.Bastards! Un-American bastards at that!
Spam, Vienna Sausages, potted ham, chili con carne — no tinned meat would be spared the higher tax rate.
"I'm torn between my love for Vienna Sausages and my love for state services," said Olympia lobbyist Lauren Moughon, who called the canned meat product a "guilty, guilty pleasure."It's early in the day, and I'm a bit skewed, but that is clear front runner for creepiest thing I'll read today.
Posted by fad at 7:29am
Sah-Woard
History comes to New York.One of Scotland's national treasures, the 5-foot sword wielded by William Wallace, the rebel leader portrayed in the Academy Award-winning film "Braveheart," left its homeland for the first time in more than 700 years Wednesday.Amazingly, viewing the sword, just like the movie, starts out somewhat interesting, but quickly becomes dull and laughably heavy handed and over the top.
The double-handed weapon that belonged to Wallace will be the centerpiece of an exhibition at New York's Grand Central Station during Tartan Day celebrations, which begin later this week.
Posted by fad at 7:05am
Heart Change
Normally I celebrate Earth Day killing something endangered, poisoning its corpse and shipping it off to some third world charity. Then I roast twinkies and processed meats over burning copies of "Silent Spring" and eat by the light of my idling, smogging car's headlights. This year, though, my cold, dark heart may see the light.With Earth Day approaching (it's April 22), you may want to consider marking the occasion with an Earth Dinner.Good investigative reporting, Associated Press. How many journalists had to be sacrificed to pry that nugget out of them? Here is a sample of one of the cards.
[...]
The company is offering "The Earth Dinner Creativity Cards," a free deck of 50 cards available at www.earthdinner.org, to use as a free-form dinner-table game designed to help connect people to the Earth, their food and each other, The Associated Press reports.
Without telling anyone what you have selected, pick a food that is on the table. Begin speaking about your day as if you are the food.Well, I think we all know what I'd pick.
Posted by fad at 6:35am
Never Again Happening Again
A British parliamentary committee report is trying to unilaterally undermine the moral authority of the UN. For shame.As many as 300,000 people may have died in Sudan's western Darfur region in a conflict the international community is doing too little to stop, a British parliamentary report said on Wednesday.300,000. Now that would be genocide. But the World Health Organization made clear a genocide is not in fact happening.
The U.N. health body estimated that 70,000 people had died from hunger and disease in Darfur between March and October 2004See? Nothing to worry about. Why, 70,000 barely qualifies as a Gol-Durned Shame let alone Genocide.
Posted by fad at 6:21am
March 29th, 2005
I'm Creepier In Real Life
Speaking of stalking, a great contributor to the art has passed on.David Bushnell, an entrepreneur who transformed Bushnell Optical Corp. from a small mail-order business into the country's leading binocular brand, has died. He was 91.Many a lonely evening was made less lonely thanks to his entrepreneurship. My thanks.
Posted by fad at 4:12pm
Giving Doubt Benefits
At first a story with a punter going after steroids seems a bit odd, but then when it turns out to be Todd Sauerbrun, well.. I'm not accusing him of anything, but if a punter were doing 'roids, he'd be on the circumstantial list.Carolina Panthers Todd Sauerbrun and Jeff Mitchell and former player Todd Steussie had steroid prescriptions filled by a West Columbia, S.C., doctor now under investigation by federal authorities, according to "60 Minutes Wednesday" report.That must have been a nice scramble of other calls during that 10 minutes. Or maybe he was on the shitter and thought, "Oh wait, I don't know that guy." I know I often realize my recognition errors whilst on the mug.
[...]
The network said that when it contacted Sauerbrun by phone, and asked him about Shortt, the punter said, "I like the guy very much."
Ten minutes later, CBS said, Sauerbrun called back to say he had been confused and that he did not know Shortt.
Posted by fad at 2:59pm
Priorities
Hey, when you need a beer or six you need a beer or six.A British man's SOS to police when he got stuck in a window proved costly after he was arrested for burglary.At least he got the beer in his gullet first.
[...]
Having consumed three bottles and three cans of beer, [he] tried to escape through a window which proved too small [...] After getting stuck, Kelman phoned police for help.
Posted by fad at 12:44pm
Damn Dance
Not only does Richard Gere speak for the whole world, he dances for it too.Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi and the Hollywood actor Richard Gere have treated reporters to an impromptu ballroom dance performance.Which, unfortunately, reminded me of the last time I remember an American dancing in the presence of an Asian leader. Yes, Madelaine "Dance Dance For The Revolution" Albright creepily mimicking the already creepily unison dancing of a bunch of kids as Kim Jong Il stared on with that look of his that even his hair tries to flee.
Mr Koizumi took Gere's hand in front of a roomful of journalists and asked "Shall We Dance?"- the title of Gere's latest movie.
Gere obliged, but insisted on taking the lead, as the two twirled around the room for a few seconds.
The twirl follows Gere's endorsement on Monday of Mr Koizumi's views regarding an arms ban on China.Welp, there's one less fence for me to sit on. Gere is my weathervane when the gail of uncertainty pelts me with the hail of doubt.
Gere said he approved of Mr Koizumi's opposition to a plan by the European Union to lift the ban, which was put in place following the Tiananmen Square crackdown.
Posted by fad at 10:24am
A Mobile Of Them With Nooses Would Be Best
I know what I'm giving for Christmas this year. This, though, is for me.
Posted by fad at 9:10am
Complete With A Skunk Who Smokes A Pipe
Answered my own question. Turns out I still have the book. Mystery In The Night Woods. My memory was a bit faulty. Flying Squirrel wasn't framed, but actually stalked then kidnapped Miss Owl to get her to marry him. He was sentenced to Far Island for it (when will society finally recognize stalking as the purest expression of love and quit oppressing people like me?), but eventually escaped in time to stop a crime wave and redeem himself.
Posted by fad at 8:57am
March 28th, 2005
Math Is Hard
News like this almost makes me regret that I didn't get that history degree.Mattel is getting together with Golden Books to launch the "Barbie Diary of the Decade'' series. The Washington Post says the first two books focus on 1964 and 1976.Of course there are 18 bajillion joke opportunities here. "1978 book Barbie goes to Studio 54, does a bunch of coke and gets fucked by a strapped-on Jerry Hall as Truman Capote spanks it in the background whilst watching the busboys."
The '60s diary has Barbie hosting a Beatles party the first night they appear on the Ed Sullivan Show. Barbie also learns about the Civil Rights Act with her African American friend, Christie.
"1969, Barbie attends a Weather Underground drug fueled ego stripping orgy and gets selected to be a mistress for Ted Gold for a few nights. After which she endures 6 hours of interrogation to make sure she is revolutionarily pure. Bernadine Dohrn bristles that some slut is diluting her power."
Posted by fad at 3:29pm
Typed
I hate you.UPDATE: Whoops! Sorry. That was meant for me. I accidently typed in the wrong window.
Posted by fad at 1:53pm
Love Is Proved Through Material Things
My birthday is just two and a half months away.The University of Chicago is negotiating the sale of its once-famous Yerkes Observatory on the shores of Wisconsin's Lake Geneva.Actually, that's Geneva Lake as the surrounding communities that aren't the city of Lake Geneva would remind you.
The observatory in Williams Bay, Wisconsin, was completed in 1897 and played a role in some of the most important astronomical discoveries of the early 20th century. But by the mid 1960s, light pollution from surrounding communities and technological advances at other facilities had made it obsolete.The spring after we moved to Lake Geneva I was just driving all around the area exploring when I saw this interesting looking small campus-like setting. So I drove up and found it was Yerkes Observatory which I had no clue was around there. I had to hop out to see the carvings of the bees stinging Yerkes' nose. Found the Redhook Brewery much the same way during a similar drive around after I moved to Redmond, WA. There I had to hop out and have a beer.
Posted by fad at 12:59pm
And Scene
I'm going to buy the rights to this story and produce my shortest one act play yet. Here's the script:| FBI: | Hey! Those documents are stolen! |
| Thief: | Yeah, you're right. |
| FBI: | Ok, as long as you know. Here, have them back. |
Posted by fad at 7:47am
Now Is Soon Enough
You know, it is about goddamn time. I considered starting a petition myself to get this started, but I saw a dead sparrow lying alone on the ground and the weight of the world crushed me yet again.Iconic 1980s indie group The Smiths are to be studied at an academic conference in Manchester, their home town.At this point I need to mention that one of my favorite MST3K jokes from a skit was when Joel still hosted. Mike Nelson played a kidnapped Morrissey who kept saying, "Have I mentioned that I cry?"
[...]
The symposium, called Why Pamper Life's Complexities, will aim to assess the band's social, cultural, political and musical impact.
He said that, in spite of their enormous cultural significance, the band had not yet received sustained academic attention.In a just world the same will happen for Kajagoogoo.
"This conference aims to put that right," said Dr O'Connor.
Posted by fad at 7:34am
Today's Winner For Most Insensitive Use Of Alliteration
"Tulalip tot runs into car's path, is killed"Was it really worth it to use the cute headline in this case?
Posted by fad at 7:11am
A Hatred Not Of This World
If you ever want to turn me completely gibbering mad, make me listen to the lispy clattering of handbells for more than 3 minutes. Absolutely they must be an echo in this world of the purely evil sound of Satan's testicles banging together in Hell.Church members in this suburb north of Seattle discovered the theft in July and, besides alerting police, asked members of the Guild of English Handbell Ringers to watch for the bells on eBayThey would call themselves a guild.
A woman in Texas called the church about an auction for some bells from the Seattle area, and police determined that they had been sold on the Internet auction site for several thousand dollarsIf not for the involvement of such raw evil, this story would be far more interesting.
Posted by fad at 7:06am
Doesn't Bother Me As Much As It Does Others
Quickly: Try to think of one of your PIN's with the numbers reversed. I had a little difficulty, but maybe that's because it's something I never bothered to consider before.The system would allow the user to enter the regular PIN number backward, which would dispense the money and look to the robber like a normal transaction - but would silently alert police to the robbery in progress.I still doubt I could remember this and be able to do it smoothly in a robbery situation, but it's interesting. Though if it were implemented, how many false alarms would be sent by people who were just trying it out or practicing.
The point isn't to stop the theft, [the inventor] says, but to ensure that the police are on their way, giving them that much of an earlier start in the pursuit if the robber abducts the customer.
One pedantic question to the Post-Dispatch style people before I save this: why is it PIN number but not ATM machine (or, properly, vice versa) in your paper?
Posted by fad at 6:35am
Afterthoughts
Admittedly I have the memory and attention span of dead cow, but I cannot recall a second weekend of the Tournament in which just about every single game came down to nearly the end if not the very, very end. This, of course, means the championship game will be a shit-affair for the 3rd or 4th year in a row, but I'll take it.It's hard to believe that at least two teams, with the ball on their end of the court, needing just a decent shot to win or tie, and with plenty of time on the clock couldn't even muster a bad shot. Hucking it at the hoop doesn't even qualify as a shot to me.
Salim Stoudamire proved what I noticed in the first couple games I saw him play before the tournament. He is going to make decisions based on what is best for him. Generally, he is talented enough that this doesn't hurt the team, but Saturday was not one of those days. Add in that Arizona caught a really bad case of the Don't Fuckups which almost always leads to fuckups.
One thing on Michigan State: They demonstrated an amazing ability to completely flake out in crucial situations. Passes to nowhere, not bothering to catch the ball. Something to watch for this weekend.
Wonder who won the bid to repair the Illinois bandwagon after that mass re-jump on it the other night? Only Halliburton and Bechtel have the experience to handle damage that extensive.
As for the other two, Louisville proved surprisingly steady through everything. That could be something effective to watch. UNC, I just can't judge. I can't cite a weakness that I saw (though I'm sure some partisan will inform me of all their flaming weaknesses as soon as they recover from a pedantasm), but there was also nothing special that makes me feel they have any advantages this weekend.
And, as always, CBS' broadcast teams continue to be appalling.
Posted by fad at 6:02am
March 27th, 2005
Indeed
Happy Easter!
Posted by fad at 8:50am