May 8th, 2004
Posted by fad at 3:37pm
It's always been a bit disturbing to travel east in order to go home, but since that's where all my stuff is, I suppose that's the way of it. I am back amongst my stuff after an uneventful, if warm, drive (a stretch of which is called the George Washington Carver Memorial Highway, but, sadly, it wasn't paved in some sort of peanut product).
I'd like to thank Matt and Vicky, who now holder the record for blogger who has hosted me in real life the longest, for all they did the last week. Two better hosts could not be found. I'd like to especially thank Matt for making it a paid "vacation". The debt collectors are probably even more thankful.
Posted by fad at 2:49pm
May 7th, 2004
Posted by fad at 2:56pm
We had a power outage that knocked out the server this morning. I forgot to restart the database afterwards, so comments were broken.
Short version: Comments are working again.
Posted by fad at 1:19pm
Here sums up quite well the difference between some reactions to terrorism and ours, well, at least mine.
To most Greeks, the three bomb blasts outside a police station Wednesday were not an act of unsettling terrorism. Instead, such attacks are widely viewed in Greece as the work of fringe radical groups that do not threaten the general public.I guess you just get used to shit blowing up and rampant property damage.
''We are used to having these small incidents that cause some damage but don't really create any problems,'' said Maria Bossi, a former member of Greece's anti-terrorism commission. ''Greeks aren't used to seeing this type of terrorism as a security problem.''
Posted by fad at 1:17pm
"Woman Who Alleged Beckham Affair Gets Job"
Phew! I was really worried there for a bit, I tell you.
Posted by fad at 1:14pm
The Friday Five is dead! D-E-D dead!
I tried to come up with a substitute, but the best I got was the "Friday Fibs". And let me tell ya, that wasn't good. Then I wrote up a long bit on how millions who have never served feel they have the right to decide who should, when and where. Yes, the ChickenVoter, millions of people who have never served an elected office, but feel they have the right to decide who should. But that whole "chicken[whatever]" thing is older than last year's mashed potatos and gravy.
So instead, I shall tell a story (and since I speak aloud as I type, I am actually telling it. You just can't hear it. Losers) involving the word "fuck".
A couple years ago some friends talked me into going to a Rob Zombie show. It was ok, except too crowded. That and the world's angriest midget who had to walk back and forth the whole time elbowing everyone kind of brought down the fun. Some lame band was opening. The singer had one of the whiniest, high voices I have ever heard. At one point he decided to speak to the assembled crowd.
| Whineboy: | "How are you fucking doing?" |
| Crowd: | "WOOOOOOO!!!!" |
| Wineboy: | "It's good to see you all here tonight away from your fucking [and here he spit the word] parents!" |
| Crowd: | "WOOOOOOO!!!!" |
| Whineboy: | "You know, I bet your parents would be upset if they knew what was going on here tonight! I'd bet they'd be pissed to hear the word 'fuck'! Well, you know what? FUCK THEM! |
| Crowd: | "WOOOOOOOO!!!! |
Ah, the voice of rebellion.
Posted by fad at 9:57am
Tim Blair profiled at Normblog. I know pretty much everyone will have already read it, but this was too good not to quote.
In what circumstances would you be willing to lie? > Only if there was a chance it could make a little orphan girl sad.I need to get profiled. It sounds like fun.
Posted by fad at 8:37am
I'm closing up my time in Arkansas today (driving home tomorrow). So far the best quote of the time still goes back to last Saturday. During the five-minute walking tour of the town center, we noticed a restaurant named "European Cuisine". We walked in to check it out and asked if we could look at a menu to see what kind of food they had (in a more specific sense than European cuisine, that is). The owner, without even bothering to look at us, said in a very thick, eastern European accent:
"Ees no menu. Ees daily special only. Up front. Written on board. In English."
I swear, he was two seconds away from saying, "No soup for you!"
Posted by fad at 7:38am
"Krispy Kreme: Diets hurt doughnuts"
Well no shit.
Posted by fad at 7:01am
In the Compendium of Annoying People, to be written by me when I get around to it, there will be a very large section dedicated to those who are incapable of doing even the simplest thing -- such as a relaxing hobby -- without turning it into some self-aggrandizing act complete with political statement woofed with bull and warped with shit.
"I'm thinking about gardening as a radical political act," said Fritz Haeg, 34, an architect who teaches in the environmental design program at the Art Center College of Design in Pasadena, Calif. "It means completely questioning the way we live, the way we get our food, the way we use and abuse natural resources, the way we occupy public space." Mr. Haeg plays host at a monthly salon that draws a young, flamboyant crowd. Events are themed — "avant-garde knitting" was a recent topic.Ok, "avant-garde knitting". Let me guess, a bunch of dick cozies that can also be used for dildos. "Avant-garde" always involves some sort of dickery, whether in celebration or in anger. Either that or talking to oranges*. I can't wait to see the show by the Vaginal Macrame group. The knots represent the ties of The Sisterhood as well as the chains placed on them by patriarchal society.
Like Mr. Haeg, at the Art Center College of Design, Ms. Tribe sees a political side to gardening: "It's a private act, but also a public act of resistance to the sprawling L.A. wasteland and the toxins in the air."Well what a brave and dissenting soul. I bet that line gets him laid a lot because, well, because those lines just do for guys like that.
A similar spirit motivates Alexis Rivera, 26, a music critic and club promoter, who gardens with native plants and a certain amount of attitude on a hillside next to his apartment in the rapidly gentrifying Echo Park section of Los Angeles. "I don't have much money, so I steal stuff," said Mr. Rivera, adding that he once took a large fern from a fancy Beverly Hills hotel.
Posted by fad at 5:37am
May 6th, 2004
Posted by fad at 4:37pm
Ok, I'm about to engage in something I normally hate which is taking a self-righteous stand on something just to point out how much better I am than everyone else*. You know, like people who loudly have to declare that they don't watch reality TV or how with this stuff with the FCC, it's hard to tell who is more annoying: the self-righteous people bitching or all the others who are so self-righteous about not being self-righteous.
So here goes: Can the "Friends" finale please just be over with? I manage to avoid most of the commercials on TV informing me that my life will have a gaping hole when it goes off the air that forces me to again seek comfort in the arms of crackwhores who will, as always, turn me away saying they just don't need the money that bad right now, but when it's been the lead story, and often times stories, for newspapers that's just going too far. Unfortunately tonight's airing won't be the end. We'll be hit with ads to "live the end again and take your last chance to say good-bye" for a repeat, I'm sure.
There. I feel better. Please resume your daily routine.
*That I am better than everyone else should be self-evident without me having to point it out.
Posted by fad at 2:41pm
And to finish the porn theme, after getting a "childe kiddie porn" search last week from AOL, I just got hit with "childe porn free". What is with the ye olde spelling? A stroke get out of control and their hand hit an extra 'e'?
Posted by fad at 12:59pm
When teachers go bad.
A teacher at Stagg High School in Palos Hills was suspended Wednesday for investigation of postings on a controversial Web site that uses vigilante tactics to ensnare alleged Internet pedophiles."Doesn't "Stagg High School" sound like a setting for a frightening porno?
Perverted-Justice.com vigilantes troll chat rooms posing as young girls. When bait is taken, vigilantes engage targets in conversation until they provide photos, phone numbers and other identifying information. The alleged pedophiles then get their information posted.Damn people are determined to close my every avenue and ruin all my fun.
Posted by fad at 12:56pm
Oh no! Firefighters might be looking at porn!
The Chicago Fire Department's Internal Investigations Division has seized a computer from one of three fire stations at O'Hare Airport to determine whether it was used to visit "inappropriate sites," possibly including pornography.Quick! Everyone to your nipping stations! We have to stop this bud before civilization crumbles about us like so much taffy that's gotten all old and crumbly.
I like funny web sites.
"It certainly adds fuel to Ald. [William] Beavers' resolution that, maybe, they need to do an eight-hour day and go home. If they have time to play around with funny Web sites,["]
Posted by fad at 12:52pm
I had the saddest dream last night. Well, at least it started out sad. See, there were these boys in Atlanta, and they was awful thirsty. But, you see, all the beer was in Texarkansas. Whatever were they going to do?
Well, I'll tell you what they did. They found theirselves a champion, someone not afraid to be outside the law. A bandit, if you will. And he went west bound and down towards Texarkansas to load it up and truck that beer back to Atlanta.
He put his foot hard on the pedal, and he didn't bother with the brakes as he went back east bound and down to make sure that truck that was all loaded up could avoid all the cops, or "smokies" as they were called. I tell you, it was something to watch that bandit run.
Posted by fad at 10:32am
No day is complete without a "nailgun to the head" story.
A construction worker had six nails driven into his head in an accident with a high-powered nail gun, but doctors said Wednesday they expect him to make a full recovery.So, not only did he get 6 nails blasted into his head, but he fell off a roof before that.
[...]
Mejia, 39, was atop an unfinished home when he fell from the roof onto a co-worker who was using the nail gun
Also from the wacky files, and conveniently linked right next door to the above story, comes the latest house of squalor.
They found a home crawling with life: About 200 creatures — including alligators, scorpions and carnivorous beetles — formed a bizarre menagerie kept alive by a woman who fed them roadkill.Consider that detail, there. She fed them roadkill. That means she went out and *collected* roadkill.
"The smell was just unbelievable," said William Mitchell, a state conservation warden who found about 70 ducks cramped in a basement pen with droppings covering the floor. "It was really stinking. ... It made my eyes water."
Verburgt's boyfriend, John Walters, was prosecuted in 2000 for mistreatment of exotic animals.And with this all, she actually has a boyfriend, and he has my bar name. I guess that's been my mistake. Instead of chasing women way out of my league, I should go for those who will bring anything home, including roadkill.
Posted by fad at 10:18am
I hate Internet Explorer.
Posted by fad at 9:08am
May 5th, 2004
Grant's trial was disrupted Tuesday when he attacked the woman as she left the witness stand. The woman suffered minor injuries in the attack before Grant was subdued.So how was he able to do this?
May said today that his investigation found that Grant inserted the sandwich between a battery and a belt electrode during a lunch break. That left the belt ineffective when the judge tried to trigger it during the attack.It's like I always say: When in doubt, shove a sandwich down your pants.
Posted by fad at 3:45pm
Here you go. Take a look at these before bed tonight and see how well you sleep.
Posted by fad at 2:11pm
How 'bout a new meme?
1. Find the nearest solid surface to you.
A wall
2. Bang head repeatedly on or against that surface.
Done!
3. Which Disney character do you think you are, now?
Third stampeding water buffalo from the left.
There. Think it'll catch on?
Posted by fad at 11:03am
A Happy Cinco de Mayo, or "chingo dee may-yo" as a home room teacher in high school once butchered it, to anyone who cares. If you don't, then just get drunk and leave me alone.
Posted by fad at 6:42am
May 4th, 2004
Posted by fad at 7:42pm
Apparently, actually being able to type is typing "like a girl".
Posted by fad at 3:13pm
There are many stories told, including mine about the grade school basketball league I coached in, about schools and parents being overzealous and stupid in their desire to protect their precious li'l dickens' self-esteem, but sometimes coaches can just be assholes.
The 13-year-old boy's coach called him just before last month's team banquet and told him to make sure that he attended the event because he was getting a special trophyMaybe the kid is a whiny little bitch, but it isn't the coach's place to point that out at a team banquet.
[...]
He was then called up to receive his award, and a coach told the crowd that the boy was being honored because "he begged to get in the game, and all he did was whine."
The trophy had a silver figure of a baby atop a pedestal engraved with the boy's name, which was spelled incorrectly.
"I was very upset and dismayed that our coaches would take an opportunity to belittle or lessen the self-esteem of our athletes," Coyle said.No, you shouldn't be upset that they went after the self-esteem; you should be upset that they're just plain assholes who can't handle the responsibility of being adults.
Posted by fad at 1:54pm
That's a nice city square you got there. Be a shame if it got broke.
Plans to name a Vienna square after Zionist Theodor Herzl drew protest Tuesday from the Arab League, which urged city fathers to reconsider for the sake of continued "good relations" with the Arab world.What do they mean by "good relations"?
"We believe that this plan is bad timing because of the tense situation in the Middle East and Iraq and therefore will not serve the cause of good relations between Austria and the Arab-Islamic world," said the letter, made available to The Associated Press.So before they were "protected", but after this.....? Well, it's just best you don't consider it. Remember, doing what they like is for your protection, see. They're just thinking of your best interests.
It contrasted the plan with the "clever politics that has protected Austria up until today from conflicts and problems."
Posted by fad at 1:17pm
"Hey! We got ourselves a nice, if generic, businessman's bar/grill here. What can we do to separate ourselves from all the rest? I know! 'Touch Me In The Morning' played loudly in a continuous loop! Brilliant!"
Once is a lifetime fill of that song. After that lunch, I've now had enough to fill all your lifetimes too.
Posted by fad at 12:47pm
Those wacky frat kids, always up to their shenanigans.
Members of the Kappa Alpha fraternity tried to load an antique cannon on their front lawn with fireworks, but ended up destroying the cannon, punching a hole through a roof and blowing out the window of an apartment across the street.Welp, that'll happen when you're stupid.
Elaine Pohl, a teacher, said she and a visiting scholar from China had been playing pingpong in a fourth floor lounge of University Place apartments when they heard two loud explosions.Those wiley visiting scholars from China will do anything to win a pingpong game.
She said she then noticed a 12-inch hole in the ceiling and a piece of metal on the pingpong table.
Posted by fad at 10:52am
Next time I'm arrested, I want this judge. In 2002, William Ligue and his son rushed the field during a White Sox game to attack the Royals' first base coach.
In 2003, Holt sentenced Ligue to 30 months probationSo, beat up a man, likely cause hearing damage, and get 2.5 years probation. But Mr. Ligue has a little trouble staying out of trouble.
[...]
Holt repeated his contention that there was not enough evidence to sustain the charge of aggravated battery for the Sept. 19, 2002, attack that prosecutors said caused permanent hearing loss for Gamboa. Holt said Monday he did not have evidence there was any permanent hearing loss and that Gamboa merely suffered a "dignity insult.''
Police arrested Ligue early Thursday after he was seen running from a car parked near a restaurant at 59 W. 159th Street in Harvey, prosecutors said. The car had a broken window and the stereo removed. Cook County Judge Edwin Gausselin originally set bail for Ligue, 36, of Alsip, at $25,000 on the alleged stereo burglary and an additional $25,000 for the alleged probation violation.Violates probation by breaking into a car and stealing. Doesn't seem so unusual for a higher bail for what appears to be a repeating offender. But Judge Holt says boys will be boys.
On Monday, Holt reduced the $25,000 cash bond on the probation violation to an I-bond, a personal recognizance bond -- which means he does not have to post money to be released. Ligue would still have to post $2,500 for the bond set on the burglary charge.Judge Holt then drove him home and read him a bedtime story.
Posted by fad at 10:29am
"Trump Publishes Life Advice Book"
Chapter the First: Hair
Chapter the Second: Bimbos
Chapter the Third: How to Get the Government to Buy You Out of Bankruptcy
Chapter the Fourth: How to Get the Government to Buy You Out of Bimbocy
Chapter the Fifth: "It'll Be Huge."
Chapter the Sixth: Your Hair Is Not Freaky Enough
Chapter the Seventh: I Can't Believe This Guy Is Making Lame Hair Jokes
Appendices
Posted by fad at 8:29am
And speaking of movies, one of the silly things that happens when a movie touches, accurately or, more often, inaccurately, on a serious subject, is that the actors are expected to have an opinion, taken seriously, on it. Take Rebecca Romijn-
"It's far from being a perfect science and certainly this movie touches upon that idea," she says. "I don't think the idea of cloning human beings is a very good idea, but we met this doctor when working on this movie who's working on cloning organs and he's getting really close, and I think that's great for health reasons."At least she does a fine job of turning the focus back to the movie.
Posted by fad at 7:59am
A few weeks ago, some were wondering where the movies about September 11th and the aftermath were. Well, I think we finally found the one that will be the first serious, mainstream production: the prisoner abuse case.
Now this isn't just because it allows them to show the war and military in an unflattering way, though that is part of it. The real reason I think it will be the first one is that it so perfectly fits the mainstream movie template. This is a case that let's them do the usual story of the noble whistle blower/investigator against the out of control machine of a large, powerful institution. Movies about that come out almost every year.
The other big advantage of such a story is that is perfectly tailored for a big time star. And not just for one star. There's the role for the minor hero, the whistle-blower, the main hero, the investigator, and a juicy role for the villain who represents the institution out of control. Yes, this is "A Few Good Men", "The Insider" and a million other movies. That's why, more than any anti-war sentiment, this situation is most likely to be dramatized. Plus, it also is perfectly set up for the hero to criticize the hell out of the military and the war in terms fully couched (or futonned) in idealism and patriotism.
Posted by fad at 6:52am
May 3rd, 2004
Wolfe... [drew] the bath for his wife and bringing in a radio with an extension cord attached so his wife could listen to music during her soak.But, stupid man that he is, left a trail.
"He appeared to accidentally bump the radio," said Ronnie Walker, deputy chief of police in the east Texas city of Henderson. The wife was able to bump the radio before it hit the water
What she found was that her husband had recently visited Web sites that detailed bathtub electrocutions.Always, always!, delete your cache and history when being naughty online. Especially when you know she's snoopy.
[...]
According to an affidavit presented in the case, Wolfe took out a life insurance policy for his wife a few months ago, for a "considerable amount of money," Walker said. The wife was not harmed in the incident.
Posted by fad at 3:42pm
If I used titles for posts here, this one would have Spam From Beyond The Grave. I just got an email from Barry Goldwater encouraging me to invest in silver coinage.
At least that's better than the spam I got from Harry Braun, candidate for the Presidency. Not Harry Browne, Libertarian party strongman, but some other, wackier candidate with a surprisingly similar name.
Posted by fad at 3:14pm
This 'documentary' is one of the stupidest things I've ever heard of. No, check that. It's not the stupidest thing; it's rather interesting on one level. What is stupid is that people actually think it makes a valid point.
For months, McDonald's has been bracing for Friday's opening of ''Super Size Me,'' a stomach-turning documentary about a guy who eats nothing but McDonald's for 30 days.As I wrote when I first heard about this project, I'm going to film a documentary in which I beat myself about the head and face with rocks for 25 days. I'll show the health hazards of rocks and get them banned. Why? Well because the rocks are causing the cuts and bruises, not my use of them! It's their fault.
Filmmaker Morgan Spurlock gains 25 pounds. His cholesterol shoots up and he suffers headaches, fatigue, depression and heart palpitations. Spurlock's girlfriend says he's losing energy in bed, and his doctor warns, ''your liver is sick.''
Spurlock was named best documentary director at the 2004 Sundance Film Festival where his film gained widespread publicity, and the critics are lovin' it.
Oh! I wonder how Sundance would react to a documentary of someone who spends 25 days in a row watching independent films without being allowed to leave the theater. It'll prove how malnourished and self-soiled one becomes due to watching gay cowboys eat pudding!
Posted by fad at 11:29am
I saw a headline about a barge tipping over in Texas, but didn't think much of it until these details were added.
Some 60 "Splash Day" revelers hoping to see nude sunbathers tipped over their double-decker barge when they crowded one side of the vessel.All were rescued, and there were only minor injuries. Which is extra good because of this detail.
Witnesses said that all of the people aboard the barge moved to one side after it was tied up at Hippie Hollow, the only public nude beach in Texas, creating uneven distribution and making it tilt.I emphasized even though you noticed it. I just don't think we could take "Tragedy at Hippie Hollow" with a straight face. Worse yet, just imagine the insta-logo all the cable news channels would have created for that event.
Posted by fad at 10:00am
I have updated my links to include someone who I swear I told about this site, but apparently did not. Yes, I know that's an opening for a tired John Kerry joke, but, please, for all our sakes, refrain.
Posted by fad at 7:39am
Evil, in all its forms, must be fought.
A band from Germany has adopted a novel approach to getting their music heard by millions.Admittedly a creative way of distribution. One can still admire the ingenuity of evil, yet know it must be destroyed.
Super Smart have turned their backs on vinyl and CDs and instead have decided to just release their album as ringtones.
Posted by fad at 7:35am
Turkish authorities say they thwarted a bomb plot.
Sixteen militants planning to bomb next month's Nato summit in Istanbul have been arrested, Turkish police say.Information from the arrest gives a hint on an untapped resource that may help the fight against terrorism.
They said they seized guns, explosives, bomb-making booklets and 4,000 CDs with training advice from Osama Bin Laden.Emphasis added by me in protest of The Man. 4,000 bootleg CDs? Just call in the RIAA! They'll hunt down everyone of these bastards. Then Pepsi will find the one with the most annoying accent and put 'em in a commercial.
Posted by fad at 7:30am
We -- that'd be me and my 17 brands of peanut butter -- hear about how the feds have put huge demands on local communities in the name of Homeland Security (I'd probably vote for someone whose sole platform plank was a big chunk of plywood dedicated to changing that name) without funding. As is typical when it comes to government programs, the funding is there, it is just misdirected.
Nationwide, 80 percent of the grant money remains unspent even though the deadline for spending it all is less than a year away.And why is this? Here's a partial answer.
Until last year, grants could be used only for equipment and planning, leaving cities such as Kent holding the bill for training its officers on how to use new equipment. For many, that money was hard, if not impossible, to find.So huge amounts of money are out there, but the strings attached are choking off the flowers of progress with the weeds of overly specific requirements and bad metaphors. Ok, the bad metaphors are mine, not due to any grant requirements. Though I am open to accepting grants for bad writing. I have a limitless supply.
Posted by fad at 6:48am
Those who know me know that I hate humor, and I hate laughter. Therefore I really hate this.
Seattle City Councilman Peter Steinbrueck [succeeded] in getting his eight council colleagues to sign a proclamation declaring yesterday World Laughter Day in Seattle. Not to be outdone, King County Executive Ron Sims has done the same for the wider region.Can you believe you missed World Laughter Day? I beat up the first old lady and/or child I saw (look, I'm a busy man. I haven't the time to make fine distinctions) when I found out.
"What a delight to have such visionary leadership," said Gail Wolz, C.L.L. (certified laughter leader), as Steinbrueck presented the gold-stamped document to the crowd.Certified laughter leader? Well, beats being a C.H.U.D., I suppose.
"Certified laughter leaders have about 150 different laughs in their repertoire," said Wolz, working the Phinney Ridge crowd in red high-top sneakers, a long skirt and a series of headbands apparently inspired by Dr. Seuss.Ok....anyone else detecting the scummy scent of clown here? If she's a painter too, look out.
Teresa Verde, who claims shyness but founded the first such group in Seattle, said hearty daily chuckles boost the immune system, detoxify the body, increase oxygen in the brain and provide aerobic exercise.It also deflambates the interjiggers and skrawmwhiches the ipsefollicles.
Posted by fad at 6:38am
May 2nd, 2004
Posted by fad at 11:58am