August 20th, 2004
Out
Aaaaand scene.
Posted by fad at 5:49pm
Yeah, This Won't Be Here Long
Remember, when arguing with an oscillating fan, it is always best to remember that they, when turned on, have rapidly moving parts. So, when attempting to make a fine point of debate, all the while ignoring its constant cries for you to shut up, do not actually point your index finger extended lest the fan attempt to snip it off. Instead, use the "I'm not being too agressive, but know ye that I am serious, here" nubbed fist that all the male politicians use today.The nubbed fist was introduced in the 80s, but perfected in the 90s by Bill Clinton. We all know what it looks like. The hand is mostly in a fist with the index finger, still curled in, sticking out a bit so that the knuckle is softly pointing. This allows a speaker to seem forceful -- it is a fist, after all -- maybe even allowing for a gentle podium thump, but he doesn't appear too threatening. Despite the fact that it does look like your hand has been gelded, it is very effective. And also safer when faced with a truculent fan.
Speaking of which, I have an argument to get back to. I have some bitchin' quotes from Hume and something wicked from Wilde that should shame it into acquiescence if I can just get a word in around its constant shoutings for me to shut up.
Posted by fad at 4:21pm
I Can't Even Think of a Joke
Desperate times call for Joe Piscopo.The actor and comedian has been asked by some people to consider a run in his home state, New Jersey.
Posted by fad at 3:00pm
Protest This
Ladies and gentlemen (and those of you who do not fall into either category...you know who you are), I present to you the real WTO.
Posted by fad at 2:30pm
Story Broke My Last Day In LA Back in March
Remember that teacher who claimed a hate crime had been committed against her car (and, I suppose, by extension her)? Well, she's officially guilty.A Claremont McKenna College psychology professor was convicted Wednesday of falsely reporting her car was vandalized and spray-painted with racist and anti-Semitic slurs while she was speaking at a campus forum on racial tolerance.I'm surprised a play wasn't written about her like that wacky woman in Madison who faked her own kidnapping. That playwright could have made it a dialogue between these two woman because, deep down, there's a crime-faker in all of us. And it needs exploring through the art of the play.
Posted by fad at 2:00pm
Outta My Way
The day humanity learns that headlights aren't there just so you can see, but also so that others -- especially when it's raining and you're driving a white or grey car -- can see you, is the day Grundahr the Bound releases his mighty wind which has threatened to destroy the universe ever since the word "hectare" was assigned a definition.
Posted by fad at 12:06pm
The Faddy
If I ever gave out awards to blogs, one of the categories would be Best At Forgetting To Close Their Damn Tags.
Posted by fad at 11:14am
List Lust
It's Friday, so that means a list of some sort is required. So here are my Top 5 Most Hated Sports teams.- The Raiders
- Duke Basketball
- The Vikings
- Anywhere Lou Holtz or Bobby Knight coach
- The Yankees
Posted by fad at 7:38am
Now Even More Organic
Because I hate life and everything about it, I link to this story in hopes it ruins your appetite.A tenth of the world’s irrigated crops - everything from lettuce and tomatoes to mangoes and coconuts - are watered by sewage. And much of that sewage is raw and untreated, gushing direct from sewer pipes into fields at the fringes of the developing world’s great megacities, reveals the first global survey of the hidden practice of waste-water irrigation.Those sly surveys from the Stockholm Water Symposium. Always suggesting things. Never outright saying them. Of all the Symposium surveys, it's always the most coy. Goddamn Tease.
And, however much consumers may squirm, farmers like it that way. Because the stinking, lumpy and pathogen-rich sewage is rich in nitrates and phosphates that fertilise crops free of charge, suggests the survey presented at the Stockholm Water Symposium on Tuesday.
Posted by fad at 7:16am
Lips and Assholes of the Tobacco Family
Boy, howdy, that there Ottawa government keeps telling people what they shouldn't be doing, but they keep on doing it.Officials found statements about the toxic emissions and constituents in tobacco products "confusing," and smokers often overlook the health information messages and tips about quitting.Eventually, every pack will come with a EULA that must be signed before it can be opened. Either that or they'll require you to take a test to prove you actually know the health risks, but still choose to smoke. At that point, you will be declared incompetent and made a ward of the state. But that doesn't mean you'll get to be Robin to the prime minister's Batman. There will still be full tryouts for that.
The department proposes to create a series of health warnings using different approaches and messages tailored to particular needs, such as smokers with low literacy skills, potential quitters and hard-core smokers, that would be rotated every two years.
Posted by fad at 6:34am
Peter Pan Is The Best Ride At Disneyland
Oh boy! It's about darn time they got around to this.A search has been launched for someone to write a sequel to bring children's classic Peter Pan up to date.I think this is a wonderful idea! Hopefully it follows the model of late 90s fiction which means that Peter will now be a heroin addicted, underground gay porn star ("Lost Boys Productions") who is horribly abused by everyone he meets (especially his manager/pimp, Hook). Towards the end, Wendy -- a checkout girl who does light hooking on the side to help feed her two small children and once had dreams of being an actress -- will try to help him get clean, but he will eventually overdose just short of redemption on a relapse hit.
An established author is sought to bring the ageless boy from JM Barrie's 1904 work into the 21st Century.
Posted by fad at 6:06am
August 19th, 2004
ARGH!
I freely and often admit to being a fucking moron, but that doesn't mean I enjoy wasting hours of effort proving it to myself.
Posted by fad at 3:28pm
Dodged
How much do I care about you the reader? Well, I'm glad you asked. I was typing up a long post about trying to find a bathroom during the 1996 Olympics in Atlanta when I realized that I was typing about trying to find a bathroom. Once that crashed in, I was able to quickly get rid of it. Just imagine if I'd posted that here first and some of you had to be dirtied by seeing it before I deleted it? Pre-emptive deletion: it's a good thing.
Posted by fad at 10:12am
August 18th, 2004
Another One of These
Movie I thought was so shriekingly awful that I cannot believe that the sequel could actually be worse, but that everyone else I know who has seen it liked it or thought it was at least pretty decent:Highlander
Posted by fad at 11:39am
Bleah. This Is All I Have
Not so random movie I've never seen, nor ever will even if it means I have to stab out my eyes with the same chopsticks I just used to pierce my eardrums:Grease
Posted by fad at 11:07am
Trying
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not too many posts around here of late. I seem to have completely misplaced my funny. Proof of this: of late I have been obsessed with those terrible Yakov Smirnoff parody jokes. For some reason over the last couple weeks I've been using, "In Soviet Russia, ketchup catches you!" type jokes at almost every occasion. This is sad. And it has no place intruding in your lives here.
Posted by fad at 5:41am
August 17th, 2004
Random Randomness
I was really disappointed when I found out as a kid that nuclear power is basically just steam power.
Posted by fad at 7:20am
Laziness, Thy Name Is Me
I still got nothin', so here's a mid-month rundown of wacky search hits.- winning eleven cods
- Don't I wish. The most I ever won at one sitting was 9 for guessing how many squirrels some dude in an alley at the Puyallup County Fair could stuff down his pants without giggling.
- porno kids childe
- This isn't so much wacky. I just keep mentioning this because there are a lot of people searching for variants of "childe porno" (always with that extra 'e'), and I'd rather they end up here than finding what they are looking for.
- compounds that cause instant death
- I know macaroni & cheese makes me wish for instant death. That and potpourri.
- elijah wood's penis size
- Andrea, is that you?
- rat's milk substitute
- Why would anyone want to substitute fine, healthy rat's milk? I can't go a day without a nice squirt.
- athletes wearing diapers
- Fetish is as fetish does.
- Denver airport sluts
- Damn, I knew I should have booked that next flight with that connection in Denver.
- judo jew dough
- Now that's just craziness. However, one thing I've noticed a massive increase in over the last year are searches on the name some minor celebrity, or name recently in the news followed by "jew". At first it was somewhat amusing, now it's disturbing.
- hardest underage sites
- Listed here pretty much for the same reason as the "childe porno" above.
- klingon man robs bank
- I hate Trekkies.
Posted by fad at 6:51am
August 16th, 2004
Pixel Rationing
Yeah, the front page here was blank for most of the morning. Sorry about that. I hope the suicides were kept to a minimum. I apologize for any looting that may have broken out.
Posted by fad at 2:05pm