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September 24th, 2004

Done

Have a good weekend.

Posted by fad at 5:56pm

WTF????

Walmart.com was selling copies of "The Protocols of the Learned Elders of Zion"?
The description, now withdrawn from the Wal-Mart Web site, said, "If ... The Protocols are genuine (which can never be proven conclusively), it might cause some of us to keep a wary eye on world affairs. We neither support nor deny its message. We simply make it available for those who wish a copy."
That was just, um, shall we say, a really dumb decision. Of course, now I'm going to get search hits from shitheads looking for that book. Might as well throw the phrase "Tuner Diaries" in here to complete it.

Posted by fad at 5:19pm

Cowbell

Speaking of boring presidential speaking, I have decided that I will vote for any candidate who pledges to have Christopher Walken give all State of the Union addresses.

Posted by fad at 3:21pm

Nationalized Poetry

Thank God Jimmy Carter never thought of doing this to help us out of our malaise.
Turkmen state television broke into its regularly scheduled programming to present a live broadcast of President Saparmurat Niyazov presenting his latest poems about "love of the motherland," official Turkmen media said Thursday.
Other reports say he went on for 90 minutes. Just imagine Kerry breaking in to recite poetry for 90 minutes in that constipated patrician voice of his. At least Bush would be entertaining as he mangled rhythm and word.

Of course this would all be a lot funnier of Niyazov wasn't completely batshit with 10s of thousands of political prisoners locked away for the barest of slights. It's the type of situation you would love in fiction, but in reality rather bites.

Posted by fad at 3:19pm

Play The Template

"AP Poll: Bush builds advantage among men"

Yes, but are they white and angry?

Posted by fad at 2:06pm

Ahhht

Dammit. I wanted to be the first to turn art destruction into permormance art.
A woman doing handsprings hurled herself into two art installations at the controversial exhibition of a collection belonging to the billionaire heir of a Nazi-era arms supplier, damaging both pieces, organizers said Thursday.
[...]
Yelling loudly, the 35-year-old woman attacked [...], doing a series of head-over-heels flips before landing on the work in a handstand
Makes my plan to dress as Carrie Nation and axe up some works claiming to be the Non-Women's Crossdressing Tempera Union look less impressive. Maybe even a little weird..

But this does remind of a story. Back when I was about 16, a new, fresh out of college teacher was just about to start at my dad's school. She was over to get some prep and help get ready to start the year and her career. As they were talking in the living room, I walked by just as the phone rang. My dad turned to me and told me to entertain her while he took the call. So I said, "Ok.", walked to one end of the living room, and did a cartwheel to the other end as she sat on the couch wondering what the hell had just happened.

Posted by fad at 12:36pm

George Bush's America

Do not fuck with the girls of Crane High.
The Crane High School girls volleyball team refused to shake hands with Juarez High's players after losing a close match.

In minutes, the unsportsmanlike snub escalated into violence when Crane players followed the Juarez girls into the locker room and pummeled them, officials said.
I've broken up my share of fights as a player, coach and official, but I've never seen a mass storming of the other locker room. Damn Ashcroft.

Posted by fad at 12:18pm

This Sounds Angrier Than I Intended

Well, this was nearly horrifying.
'Seinfeld' returns for Thanksgiving look back
At first I thought this was a reunion special.
The planned November 25 broadcast, highlighting the origins of "Seinfeld" and the early years of the mega-hit comedy that ran on NBC for nine years, is timed for two days after the DVD release of the series.
Thank God it's just a crummy infomercial. The non-Jerry castmembers' acting talent will be tested as they try not to sound really bitter about the collective nothing of their post-show careers. Actually, someone get me Vegas. I want to bet on whether or not Jason Alexander's new show (based on blowhard Tony Kornheiser) has been canceled before this special airs.

Posted by fad at 11:22am

Sawoard

Why the hell do so many people have swords?
Police said a teenager used a 2-foot-sword to kill his neighbor during an argument,
This has all the details to make stereotypers proud.
Martinez brought the sword from his home at a trailer park to show it to Flores. The two were drinking together when the argument started, and Martinez allegedly stabbed Flores several times before striking Flores' mother
Got a trailer park. Got some 18 old kid who has a sword, for some reason, and wants to show it off over some beers. Hey, I know I would. But one thing I know -- and I don't know much, but I know this -- is that swords, alcohol and teenagers don't mix. I learned it from a "The More You Know" spot I saw in the mid 90s. It was about how bunnies are cute, or something. It just happens that while it was on I was just drunk, playing with my sword, and nearly lost my foot.

Posted by fad at 11:12am

The Wind Doth Blow

Glad I wasn't either of these guys.
A midday storm packing wind gusts as high as 65 miles per hour downed trees, left thousands across the Twin Cities without power and took two window washers on a wild ride in downtown Minneapolis.
[...]
Their scaffold blew away from the building and took a 180-degree turn before crashing back into it and smashing a window, Rollwagen said. Firefighters eventually were able to lower the men and their scaffold to the building's 28th floor, where they entered the building.
Both were ok with mostly minor injuries, but one hell of a story to tell.

Posted by fad at 9:28am

Money For Nothing

Let's see. A couple of important votes the last couple of days. The Senate approved the nomination of Goss for CIA chief. Let's go to the roll call.
Edwards (D-NC), Not Voting
Kerry (D-MA), Not Voting
For the record, neither senator from Pennsylvania voted here either. It was wise of the Kerry campaign not to show up the senators from such a battleground state by actually voting on an issue when they didn't.

Another vote was extension (with some new twiddles, but mostly just extension) of tax cuts, primarily middle-class and below ones with some corporate fun tossed in. Kerry had this to say about it.
Sen. John Kerry, his Democratic opponent, said he also supported the middle-class tax cuts. "Millions of American families are being squeezed by the weak Bush economy, falling incomes and rising health costs,"
Now who knows if that quote was actually in context of the tax cuts, but we'll give the benefit of the doubt, for once, to this AP dispatch. Since he supports such a thing, let's go to the vote.
Edwards (D-NC), Not Voting*
Kerry (D-MA), Not Voting*
So, let's see. He supports the tax cut, but was too busy to vote for it. We have no idea what he thinks of the new director of the CIA because he was too busy to be around for debate or voting on that (which gives him a great excuse should he win and want to replace the man). And, two days after his big Iraq speech in which he basically said he'll do the same stuff but it'll be better because he's John Kerry, he was too busy to be at the interim Iraqi PM's speech to a joint session of Congress.

Someone get this man the presidency so that he can officially stop worrying about this whole being in Congress crap.

*Working on the citation for that as the Senate site hasn't updated yet, but, trust me, they wasn't there.

Posted by fad at 7:55am

An Open Letter

To the "aspiring actress" who does the lame entertainment report on the radio each morning: if you cannot even read copy without sounding like. you are. reading. copy, don't expect that "aspiring" tag to get dropped anytime soon. Unless you have a nice rack. And are willing to whip 'em out. Even then, the line is pretty long.

Posted by fad at 6:57am

Forms

Too bad so many arcades only accept tokens or token cards, or this guy could be set for one hell of a good weekend.
Someone got a lot of coin in a burglary in Plato this week.

McLeod County authorities were investigating a burglary at the King Pin Pub that netted the thief about $800 in change -- $500 of which was in quarters.
He must have snuck in when the owners were too busy staring at the shadow of that damn cat.

Posted by fad at 6:37am

September 23rd, 2004

Far Flung

The Civil War Preservation Trust has designated a new Historic Site. In France.
On June 19, 1864, far from battlefields at home, the USS Kearsarge hunted down and sank a dreaded Confederate raider in one of the most important naval battles of the U.S. Civil War - off the coast of France.

The Confederate State Ship Alabama today lies where it sank under 198 feet of swirling currents about 7 nautical miles off the French town of Cherbourg.
No jokes. Just thought it was interesting.

Posted by fad at 1:45pm

Stupid Kids

Didn't anyone tell this person that they could shoot their eye out?
A sniper with a b-b gun disrupted two cross country meets Tuesday in Aurora.
[...]
"At least one person on our team was struck but it was nothing serious enough to have him go to the hospital. We were told that the race could continue,"
[...]
The Kane County forest preserve police say a teenager sitting in a tree was seen shooting at the runners. By the time police searched the woods, the teen got away.
Damn teenagers.

Posted by fad at 1:17pm

Dissent

Dude. He's, like, making a statement.
A Branson man has put a face to the anonymous references people often make to "they" by changing his name to just that: "They."
Yes, this is a publicity stunt.
He acknowledged the name could drive grammarians crazy.

"Not only is he making a statement about his name, but he's messing with the entire English language," [his friend] said.
Fight the power! Smash the system! Take that, English! Man, I don't think the language can survive this assault. Esperanto, here I come! Now where's my copy of Incubus...

Posted by fad at 12:45pm

Dog Stories

One dog. Two families. Wasn't there a Charlie Brown cartoon about this once? I know there was a Simpsons variant.

Posted by fad at 10:44am

More Depressing

Robert "If I'm Full, Then Everyone Is Full" Mugabe's government is getting almost as good as the North Koreans at insane bluster. First, though, the fact that people are starving to death.
Health officials in Bulawayo, the nation's second largest city, have reported at least 162 deaths related to malnutrition this year.
This, of course, is all LIES according to the government.
Information Minister Jonathan Moyo accused the regional council's health director, Dr. Zanele Hwalima, of "doctoring lies" meant to cause alarm and despondency.
Why, he himself went to every one of those 162 and asked if they were hungry. He took their silence as a sign of post gorging torpor. They were just all tired. Then he gave a wonderful explanation of malnutrition.
"Malnutrition is just ... a case of not having a balanced diet. ... People in the USA are fat because they eat too many burgers. That's malnutrition," Moyo said.
"Yeah, we may be starving opposition members and using food as a weapon for political control, but..but..you're fat!" A "balanced diet" shouldn't have to depend on who is holding the scales.

Posted by fad at 6:52am

Double Gah

No one in the NFL wears a cup?

Posted by fad at 6:44am

September 22nd, 2004

Stupid Stupid People Tricks

Things not to do in court.
Brown's outburst in June began when he was ordered to say "yes, sir" when addressing the court. Brown told the judge to kiss his you-know-what and dropped his pants.
At least that's not quite as bad as showing up drunk to your DUI hearing.

Posted by fad at 4:39pm

More Cheap Shots

"EU agrees to lift Libya sanctions"

Officials made sure to inform everyone that business will just continue on as normal except that they'll be getting spanky new letterhead.

Posted by fad at 4:31pm

Two Variations Of A Random Request That Always Annoys Me

  1. "Be funny."
    2. or
  2. "Hey, you're funny. Tell a joke."

Few things guarantee a brainfreeze faster.

Posted by fad at 4:14pm

But A Hooker? He's On That Like Him On A Hooker

"Evangelist Swaggart apologizes for remark"

Can we all just save a lot of time, effort and taken up space by just getting rid of Swaggart and creating some bot that sends out that headline every few months?

Posted by fad at 2:00pm

Cheap Shots R Me

Technology!
A German telecommunications company said on Tuesday it is developing the first mobile phone that will alert users when their breath is bad or if they are giving off offensive smells.

The phone will use a tiny chip measuring less than one millimeter to detect unpleasant odors, a spokeswoman for Siemens Mobile said.
This will top the previous method of "you are using a phone in Europe", which was 80% accurate. Hopefully before they sell them over here they come up with a detection level a tad stronger than "European Strength".

Posted by fad at 12:26pm

Zygon 6 Would Have Been Better

This could shape up to be the biggest stupid biggest thing war since the Ball of Twine Wars.
The community solar system, that is, a set of sized-to-scale and carefully placed planet models extending as far as 40 miles from the sun, otherwise known as the Lakeview Museum of Arts and Sciences in Peoria.

"It is the largest complete model of the solar system in the world," said Schafer, Lakeview's vice president of education and planetarium overseer.
So he claims.
One in Stockholm extends 186 miles
Ha!
but is missing Saturn and Jupiter.
Oh, so close.
The model at the University of Maine at Presque Isle extends 40 miles along a road;
But bring this up to Schafer, and he has a ready answer.
"Their sun is lame."
Yeah? Well, so's ours. Boring yellow sun. Give me one of those big red ones so that everything would look red and spooky. That'd be cool. Stupid being born on Earth.

Posted by fad at 11:04am

More Than Half a Wheel

A late night snack of 64 slices of American cheese is catching on.
Americans are eating more cheese than ever – more than 30 pounds a person per year – and they're eating a wider variety as well
And that's just the average. Think of the burden some of us have to pick up to make up for all those PETA folks. But there's always the downside.
Cheese has great nutritious value, and brings calcium back into diets that have substituted milk for sodas. But it also makes food taste really good, making it easier to eat too much, said Judith S. Stern, vice president of the American Obesity Association.
So, remember, eat really shitty food. It's for your health.
"It's terrific that we're eating more cheese, but bottom line, all calories count," said Stern, who also teaches nutrition at the University of California, Davis. Her suggestion: "Try to eat cheese in slightly different ways, with pears or apple slices – expanding your diet."
"Or," she added, "consider just staring at a piece of cheese while dreaming of a sunset or a rainbow. Then go PURGE, you fatty! He wouldn't cheat on you if you weren't so fat! He must have noticed that whiff of Oreo you had last week! He'd love you if only you could lose those pounds!"

Posted by fad at 9:32am

Spam And Twinkies

The drug war claims another victim.
The maker of Hostess Twinkies and Wonder Bread is seeking bankruptcy court protection from its creditors.
The only explanation for this is a turndown in impulse eating. Either that, or people are still working through their Y2K supplies. Mmmm....Y2K supplies....

Posted by fad at 9:09am

Spinerfems

All you Star Trek groupies need to head to Iowa.
William Shatner, who played the commander of the starship USS Enterprise in the '60s "Star Trek" series, arrived in Riverside Tuesday to hold auditions for four small parts in a low-budget, sci-fi movie he wrote with "Star Trek" co-star Leonard Nimoy.
[...]
The Riverside City Council [...] in March 1985, [declared] a site behind what used to be the town's barbershop the "future birthplace" of Kirk.
Maybe a girl will show up and everything.

Posted by fad at 9:04am

September 21st, 2004

So....How Are You?

Well, ain't this fun. I made sure to have enough money around (more or less) to get the Star Wars DVD set, and only one disc (Jedi) of the 4 will even play in my (old, I admit) DVD player. They play fine in other ones. Fun.

But it did get me thinking: Who is more transparent in the bullshit shoveling, Terry McAuliffe or Rick McCallum? Honestly, the two have merged into one character in my mind.

Posted by fad at 10:14pm

30 Years Ago Was So 30 Years Ago

Fuck everything.

Posted by fad at 6:49pm

Fellowship of the Carolers

Since I know many are looking forward to your fancy-lad versions of "Return of the King" (which hopefully makes it a good movie, not just a good looking one) this December, here is Something Awful's Christmas in Middle Earth to tide you over.

(Gets a little repetitive, but a couple of them got me pretty good. I think the images are all safe for work.)

Posted by fad at 6:39pm

Porcelain Foghorn

Oh thank all that is pure and good in this world!
Canadian singer Celine Dion has extended her popular Las Vegas show for another year.
[...]
But Kris Lingle, the show's spokesman, said that run had now been extended into 2007.
I had so feared I wouldn't get a chance to go again. Now I shall never again live in fear.

Posted by fad at 12:13pm

Ahhht

So very sad to see that fascism has taken over the art community.
Warnings will be issued to anyone spotted air-kissing or wearing ridiculous or impractical clothes.
[...]
Among the the stipulations for Thursday's opening is that no guests will be able to ask the fat content of the canapes, while comfortable clothing will be the order of the night.

Anyone caught looking over the shoulder of the person they are speaking to, in the hope of finding someone more interesting or important to talk to, will be told off for rudeness.
What the hell is the point of going then? It surely can't be because of the art. Anyone who tries to silence me from air-kissing will get a right healthy chant of "FASCIST! FASCIST! FASCIST!" in their fascist face.

Posted by fad at 12:08pm

Wash Everything

I knew my decision to never eat fruits or vegetables was wise. Why? Because all my decisions are wise. You just may not have the intelligence or perspective to know that at the time. Oh, and this, too.
A Safeway grocery store in Bellevue yesterday recalled all produce it sold on Sunday night after feces were found spread on some vegetables.

A 23-year-old homeless man was arrested early yesterday as a possible suspect in the incident
If I were him, and let me tell you I've come close many times, I'd claim it was art. If all goes really well he could walk out of this with a grant.

Posted by fad at 7:33am

Bad Jokes? You Got It!

New probe (heh heh) announced.
The US space agency Nasa has awarded military and space contractor Northrop Grumman a $400m contract to co-design its Jimo space probe to Jupiter.
Bids are still out for the Jimbo space probe to launch Jimmy Carter to space. What would that accomplish? It'd put Jimmy Carter in space.

Posted by fad at 7:14am

Yer Honor

All you ladies out there have yet another out to add to your law-evasion arsenal.
[An attorney] asked in a Durham County court last week how anyone could pass a field sobriety test in a pair of three and a half-inch stiletto heels. He argued that it would be unfair to use the results of field sobriety tests against a woman because she was wearing heels, which made her unsteady on her feet.
Clever. I know I can't walk worth a damn when I'm wearing my heels, but the good I know I'm doing the world is worth it every time. How did it work out in this case?
The judge tossed out the results of the field sobriety tests and the DWI case.
Bravo, I think.

Posted by fad at 6:50am

Vroom

Um....congratulations?
With a State Patrol airplane overhead, a Stillwater motorcyclist hit the throttle and possibly set the informal record for the fastest speeding ticket in Minnesota history: 205 mph.
I guess he had a need. A need to get somewhere really fast.
``I'm not entirely sure what would happen if you crashed at 200 miles per hour,'' Swanson said. ``But it wouldn't be pretty, that's for sure.''
But it'd be on FOX within a week.

Posted by fad at 6:45am

Killers Amazingly Threaten To Kill

"Hamas threatens suicide bombing in Israel"

In other words, Hamas said the same and only thing it ever says. Now, the question is, was this the militant wing or the puppies and candy wing we're all supposed to get our nuance on to believe exists?

Posted by fad at 6:41am

September 20th, 2004

RSS Changes

I tried to make some changes to the RSS feed today. Since I'm using titles now, I finally made those the actual titles in the feed too. If there are any major concerns, let me know. One thing, though: I will not be making the full posts available in the feed. Just that teaser bit.

Posted by fad at 6:54pm

Effen Vodka

I was wondering why the History Channel was showing its AK-47 special so much lately.
Lieutenant General Mikhail Kalashnikov, who invented the AK-47 after being shot by German soldiers during World War II, said he wanted to continue "the good name" of his gun.
[...]
"So we decided to create a vodka under my name. And we wanted that vodka to be better than anything made, up until now, in both Russia and England."
Guns or Vodka. We may never know which has been the source of more good times.
Promoters of Kalashnikov vodka say it is "made from grain harvested in Russia and water drawn from Lake Ladoga north of St Petersburg" and is best drunk with friends.
When you're drinking, everyone becomes your friend. Especially my cardboard cutouts of the Saved By the Bell cast. They understand me and never laugh.

Posted by fad at 4:35pm

Sorry, but I've Been Sitting On This Joke Over a Week

"ElBaradei: N. Korean blast likely not nuclear"

Hmmm. Must have been that bean they ate.

(Actually, I may have used this already. If I have, then please call the home office. My secretary will be happy to assist you.)

Posted by fad at 4:17pm

Flight Power Is So Conformist

Pssst. Ever wanted to walk in an accelerator tunnel?
Fermilab has produced a total of 2.3 billionths of a gram of anti-matter for its physics experiments. That may not sound like much, but it's the highest concentration of antimatter in our corner of the cosmos.

And now Fermilab is offering the public a rare chance to see its antimatter factory.

During free two-hour tours on Oct. 3 and Oct. 24, visitors will see a section of the accelerator tunnel used to make antiprotons. The tunnel will be open to viewers because it's shut down for 13 weeks for maintenance and upgrades.
You know it's just a trap. We'd walk out mutants, and not mutants with cool powers like being able to conjure toilet paper at our moments of most need or float beverages to us from the fridge without having to leave the loving glow of the television. Probably end up with nipples we could jump rope with.

Posted by fad at 4:12pm

Went For A Reinstall Theme

Damn. Well, I had hoped to come out of the "Blue Screen of Death" with a redesign, but I couldn't get anything to go together. So, looks like I wasted that "joke" (hey, it amused me). Hopefully be back at it full strength or so tomorrow, as long as something interesting comes along (and interesting means "not what everybody is is freakin' talking about already" in this case).

Posted by fad at 3:59pm